Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me. Oh! I have often thought of that word, “Have your loins girt about with truth;” and of that, “When the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?”
Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with such strength and weight have both these been upon me.
I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been refreshed.
I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could well tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, my heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the least dram of refreshment, though I have looked it all over.
Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ. Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God; I hope I know something of these things.
I find to this day seven abominations in my heart.
- Inclining to unbelief.
- Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth.
- A leaning to the works of the law.
- Wanderings and coldness in prayer.
- To forget to watch for that I pray for.
- Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have.
- I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. “When I would do good, evil is present with me.”
These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and oppressed with; yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good.
- They make me abhor myself.
- They keep me from trusting my heart.
- They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness.
- They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus.
- They press me to pray unto God.
- They show me the need I have to watch and be sober.
- And provoke me to look to God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world.
Amen.
John Bunyan. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners.
